Month: May 2012

It is what it is ~ not what it should be….

Do you ever have that thought….the difference between the longing of all it could be and the acceptance of what it is….

I had a day like that today. I am 42 years old and scheduled a hysterectomy… It is what it is….not what it should be….

I have battled endometriosis since my early teen years…It is what it is…not what it should be…

For the last 14 years, I have been in a medication induced menopause…It is what it is…not what it should be….

Over the last 14 years, that medication totals 168,000 dollars for monthly injections (very thankful for insurance)…it is what it is…not what it should be…

Over the last 18 months or so, I have come to a place that is at peace with the saying it is what it is…not what is should be.

During the past few years, I have come to a place that is committed to being as healthy as I can be. Somehow that injection each month has shifted my question from why now to why not now….

Over the last 18 months I have come to place that has allowed me to share the following in a recent email with a dear friend as we discussed if I was ready to have proceed with the surgery:

I know the depth of the ache and the grieving that has accompanied that ache at different seasons of my life. I also have deep appreciation for the peace I have in my heart for my life and all my heart holds. The impact of disease and the ramifications of treating that disease will always be a tender spot in my heart likely until I meet Jesus. It is a place I feel ache, grief, betrayal, anger, sorrow, acceptance, trust, faith, and hope.

My life resonates it is what it is…not what it should be in many places of my story. AND, I am a very fortunate woman who has experienced God’s grace, goodness, provision and love through many people who are very dear to my heart.

My family has a total acceptance and embrace of me as a single woman who has never bore children. I received a text from another dear friend on mother’s day that said, “happy mother’s day to an aunt who has nurtured many many children.  You are a blessing to many children as you delight in them.” I have loved deeply and been loved deeply….that is what has shaped me much more than bearing my own children. Mother’s Day is celebrated for the women in our family, I am not left out and I am deeply appreciated as an aunt who loves Janneke, Henry, Anne, Karolyn, Ellie, Olivia, Noah, Sonta, Jean Marc, Andrew, Ryan, Peter, Isaiah and Johanna like they are my own!

And so, I am not sorrowing at the reality of my hysterectomy. I am hopeful that my body may return to some of its normal state. I can see where God has shaped my heart by many events in my life, even events I wish had been different. I don’t flippantly say, it is what it is…..

With each story I have journeyed the road to my heart. The journey is a place where I have struggled and sorrowed, sought comfort and found peace. On the journey, I have cried and cried out, I have found friends in fellow journeyers and experienced God in places I was sure He had left me.

I wonder where you would say your journey is what it is ~ not what it should be…..

I invite you to struggle and sorrow, seek comfort and find peace….it is possible, I know that from first hand experience!

Let go and live….

I love this saying and find that it resonates deep in my heart today!

But I will admit that I am not crystal clear on what I need to let go of in order to live what is waiting for me.

I have some ideas and will be exploring it a bit this week, praying and seeking clarity.

I wonder what you may need to let go of this week….

Are you clinging or holding it loosley….really doesn’t matter as long as you (or me) are holding on!

It seems clear to me that the life waiting for me (or you) may not be one we see ahead of time, so it likely requires a leap of faith.

My letting go is not about something big like moving or employment or even something so tangible.

Remember letting go may be something that frees your mind, body or spirit.

It is my hope that in the coming days you (and me) will release something and find something wonderful waiting!

 

 

 

A beautiful walk…

I have decided a walk is just friendlier with a dog.

Tonight I walked the pier in Grand Haven and it was a beautiful night. 

I saw people of all ages, a variety of ethnic backgrounds, people dressed in to many clothes for the warm weather and people with almost nothing on. I saw people walking, biking, skateboarding, rollerblading, walking with a cast on a foot, pushing a wheelchair….People smiling, laughing, talking….lots and lots of people!

Cathy and Caili and I enjoyed good conversation while walking, but there was something I was very aware of while walking tonight…

Dutch is a wonderful invitation to engage with people. So many people commented on the ball Dutch carries or her sweet face. I was struck by how many people comment as we pass by. Children ask if they can pet her and people of all ages make eye contact and comment about my sweet dog Dutch. Well, all people, except the one dog Dutch went after. When that happens, the pier feels very narrow! 🙂

It was a great night celebrating Caili’s 5 year gotcha day….

It was a great night enjoying time with my long friend Cathy….

It was a great night, beautiful weather and so much friendlier walking with Dutch.

 

The mystery and the miracle….

I am very thankful for my upbringing in a home of faith…

I am very thankful for my parent’s commitment to love and serve God…

I am very thankful for our involvement as a family in the community of believers…

And so I am surprised when I read a verse in scripture that sounds new and fresh to me.

But today I found one that I don’t remember very well…

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms. – 1 Peter 4:10

I know the first part, that is one of my favorite, but the part that I don’t recall is “administering God’s grace in its various forms”

Isn’t that a great invitation. An invitation to administer God’s grace in its various forms…

I love the idea that when I am using my gifts to serve others faithfully, that God will channel His grace through….

I can’t explain, I don’t understand it, I marvel at it, I am grateful for it!

It is a mystery to me…

It is a miracle to me…

I wonder what you will be doing tomorrow to ensure God’s grace is administered…..enjoy and marvel at the mystery and the miracle!

 

America’s got Talent…

And tonight some of that talent was celebrated at Muskegon Christian School.

I am grateful for schools that encourage my nieces and nephews to practice their courage and celebrate their gifts.

Ellie asked me not to put her video up, and I will honor that, but her voice was clear, her courage big and her heart is full of love. I am proud of you Ellie Grace! You are gifted and full of talent and I love you very much!

Karolyn Anne, your voice was crystal clear tonight and your talent also was evident and your beauty shone through your eyes, your voice and your presence. I pray every day that God will use your voice to bring you to amazing places of wonder and adventure. I love you my dear and am proud to share your video with all who will take a moment to listen! To skip the introduction comments which include teachers jesting Karolyn’s Dad who is the principal, forward to 35 seconds where the song begins!  

America does have talent and that talent is around us (and within us) every day. I hope you will be as bold and courageous and Karolyn and Ellie in sharing some of yours to spread love to others today!

Am

A truly free spirit…

I attended a luncheon today….

The food was good, the company was good, the speakers were good….

But let me tell you about what scene really offered me perspective that I will carry with me for a long time!

Across from me, at the next table was a man. I don’t know his name and I don’t know his story….

He was nicely dressed and was well-kept. I wondered a few times why he is in a wheelchair. He seemed happy and content….

And a few minutes later out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the woman sitting next to him feeding him. As I watched from my table, I realized he had no freedom to move and ever so slowly, very small pieces of food were fed to him…

I was tempted to leave wondering about his story and yet I found myself realizing I need to be curious about my story.

I live with such freedom in the movement of my body….

Movement that could be gone tomorrow due to injury or illness….

I wonder how my attitude would be my life mirrored his?

Would I dress up, smile, engage others, enjoy small bites fed to me in a large group and present with such joy and contentment…

I realize now, it was not the lack of freedom in his movement, it was the incredible freedom in his spirit.

May I live each day with the freedom of spirit that he demonstrated today….

Board meetings awaken my passion….

I am starting to think that perhaps I am a bit of an odd ball. I am finding that I really enjoy serving on boards. I find that these board meetings awaken my passion!

Currently I am serving on the Rescue One Board (http://rescue-one.org/) 

Rescue One provides tuition for the local Christian school, clothing and a daily meal for each child we serve.  Most children return to their families each day.  Some live in an orphanage for the school week, returning home with additional food on the weekends.   Sometimes having their child fed and educated allows parents to keep their child at home and not release him/her into the Restavec system.   By limiting our program to one child per family, we are able to have an impact on many families.

The children also have an opportunity to attend a week of Christian summer camp where they learn life skills, receive health care and sex education, and enjoy a week of fun.

The churches use their contact with the families to show Christian mercy, provide educational information, and enfold the family into their community of believers.

I serve on the Open Hearts Ministry Board. (http://www.ohmin.org/)
Love God, Love Eachother. One story at a time
 
Open Hearts grew out of a response to the pain of sexual abuse that surfaced in 1988 after the presentation of Dr. Dan Allender’s “Wounded Heart Seminar” in Kalamazoo, MI. Groups formed and stories of abuse, long hidden, were brought to light. The learning curve was high in those early years as a biblically based curriculum was developed and group leaders gained experience. Soon others were asking for training so that they could take this ministry to their communities. SALTS was birthed in response to this need in 1993. Originally focusing on women, the men’s program was added in 1997. By 1998 organizational needs had grown to a point that a charitable 501 (c) 3 was established and Open Hearts Ministry grew rapidly to include men and women with a focus on recovery and restoration from all kinds of soul harming experiences. Today a network of leaders scattered around the world offer Grace Groups to their communities. Training and curriculum resources are offered for starting groups, continuing groups and for couples who want to extend what they are learning as individuals to their marriages and families.
 
I serve on the Ready For Life Board (http://www.rflnetwork.org)
 
RFL is a passionate non-profit that fosters inclusive communities, thus cultivating opportunities for people with disabilities to grow, learn, achieve, and experience everything life offers. There is a work and skills program: “To empower adults with developmental disabilities by providing community based work and life skills training in order to help each individual achieve their greatest level of independence and promote inclusion.” There is a social skills program: Ready For Life Horizons is an inclusive recreational, leisure and activity service for community members aged 18 years and older experiencing physical or developmental disabilities. Ready For Life is partnered with Calvin College Residence Hall Beets-Veenstra (BV) to coordinate and host one to two large social events each month from September through May. Events range from holiday parties to movies to bowling, and much more. And there is an education program at Hope and Calvin College: “To educate and empower adults with developmental disabilities by providing a supportive and structured college experience in order to help each individual achieve their greatest level of independence and promote inclusion.”
 
And Friday I will have coffee about one more board that is very near to my heart. 
 
And so each board has a different mission but there is a common theme I am passionate about: ADVOCACY
 
I believe I was wired to be an advocate. I used to believe I had to be doing the advocacy. I have learned about the benefit of doing it and being involved in the strategy and accountability of the services offered. I have learned so much through Open Hearts Ministry about loving and leading well. About speaking with honesty and grace and listening hard. I have learned that we all need to be reigned in at times and we all need to be drawn out at times. I have learned that people are resourceful and resilient and will achieve all they believe they can. I don’t believe advocacy is about rescue but about vision. I am thankful for those who had vision for me when I couldn’t find my glasses. I wonder who you are casting vision for this week…I wonder who has cast vision for you…..
 
Where is your passion and what boards would you like to serve on if the opportunity arises. I believe my passion for the causes keeps my heart beating for true life!

Three years old and full of life…..

Today my youngest niece turned 3….

It seems like just yesterday I was stocking up on pink clothes for her from Baby Gap. I believe the 3 to 6 month clothing looked so big!

Today she is a curly headed, intense, fun, funny, talkative, sweet, engaging little girl! 

Johanna loves the world of pretend and has a very kind and inviting way of engaging each of us to join in and play.

Johanna loves to sing and her current favorites, often performed at Sunday coffee hour are Angels we have heard on high. Baa Baa Black Sheep, Jesus, what a wonderful name and My God is so Big, so strong and so mighty…

Johanna is learning about friendships and sharing.

Johanna is learning about manners and saying hello and good-bye. She was very proud to announce that she can now say hello Beppe or Hello Papa all by herself, just like her brothers.

 

Johanna loves her family. Her Mom is her all time favorite but she is quite fond as well of her Dad and brothers. She enjoys time with her Papa and Beppe and most others as long as the group stays small and she is given ample time to warm up!

Johanna is telling wonderful tall tales of lions who eat her fingers and her Daddy saves her and many other very cute and outrageous events.

Oh Johanna, you are a delight and I love the happiness in your sweet voice. My favorite right now is how you answer “shure” to most anything asked of you, unless you’re in a contrary moment. I can’t wait to enjoy you being three. I am sure we will go swimming and watch video’s and play with your pink ball and go to target and sing in the car and talk and talk and talk some more. I know we will have many fun times this year and you will be delighted in and loved deeply by your family. Happy Happy Birthday Johanna! I love you with all my heart!

Dear Mom….

I love this picture and have it in a place on my computer that I see it often.

It reminds me of how long we have been together…

I love your smile back then and I still see that full smile today…

I seem to be saying something in this picture, I still have much to say today.

Thank you for being one who listens to me so often.

I would guess we spent a lot of time together back then, and I love the time we spend together now!

I know for many years I was dependent on you. Then the years came when it seemed right to be independent. I am thankful for the season now of being interdependent. I see this season in my life as a true gift for all we share!

Most of all  I so enjoy the relationship we share. The conversation and the laughter, the honesty, the encouragement, the travels to far away lands and the moments of enjoying time right at home, the sharing of life, love, laughter, sorrow, sadness, frustration, joy, delight, mystery, family, friends, hours at the gym or mastering big hills by bike.

As I drove home today I noticed how many people were at the cemetery, and my guess would be they were remembering their mothers. In those moments, my gratitude deepened for the time we have right now. I know that you are not the young woman anymore in the picture above (nor am I), and I am reminded to live each day fully. I am thankful that you continue to deepen your commitment to relationships. I am a different person because of that commitment and I thank you. I love you Mom and look forward to what each day ahead will hold.  Happy Mothers Day!   All my love,   Trish

Is Mother’s Day a celebration for you?

I often wonder about this question over Mother’s Day weekend.

Perhaps it is from my adoption work and knowing many stories of deep longing and the battle with infertility that raises the question….

Perhaps it is the many people I work with every day who are watching their mother’s sink deeper into dementia and aging that makes me wonder if this weekend is a celebration….

Perhaps it is in the prevalence of divorced homes that makes me wonder if any one encouraged children in single parent homes to remember their mothers with a small gift or extra attention or kind words…

Perhaps it is for those who long to be married and have a family, people who wonder what their future holds, people who have given up hope of becoming a mother…

Perhaps it is the many stories we hear every day of teens killed. Perhaps there are mother’s who want nothing more than to wake up to their child’s voice in the morning, wishing them a Happy Mothers Day!

And yet for all of those faces and stories, there are very happy homes where Mothers are celebrated and loved in wonderful ways tomorrow.

I posted this on Face Book tonight: I love how my family celebrates mother’s day. You don’t have to have birthed the children to be treated extra special. Thankful to my Mom and Dad  (and each of my siblings) for totally honoring and celebrating my life as a single woman! ♥

I wonder how you will be celebrated or how you will celebrate your own mother or other’s around you. I am praying that each person will experience deep joy and peace as they give and receive. I pray that if this Mother’s Day is filled with more grief than joy, you will find people who will embrace you and be willing to stand with you in your pain. I pray that our cerebration will be specific, joy filled and sensitive in all those we see and speak with. .

I will write my own Mom a letter tomorrow and share it with you tomorrow evening.

It is my hope that on this Mother’s Day in 2012, you will live intentional and generous in your gratitude!