Do you ever have that thought….the difference between the longing of all it could be and the acceptance of what it is….
I had a day like that today. I am 42 years old and scheduled a hysterectomy… It is what it is….not what it should be….
I have battled endometriosis since my early teen years…It is what it is…not what it should be…
For the last 14 years, I have been in a medication induced menopause…It is what it is…not what it should be….
Over the last 14 years, that medication totals 168,000 dollars for monthly injections (very thankful for insurance)…it is what it is…not what it should be…
Over the last 18 months or so, I have come to a place that is at peace with the saying it is what it is…not what is should be.
During the past few years, I have come to a place that is committed to being as healthy as I can be. Somehow that injection each month has shifted my question from why now to why not now….
Over the last 18 months I have come to place that has allowed me to share the following in a recent email with a dear friend as we discussed if I was ready to have proceed with the surgery:
I know the depth of the ache and the grieving that has accompanied that ache at different seasons of my life. I also have deep appreciation for the peace I have in my heart for my life and all my heart holds. The impact of disease and the ramifications of treating that disease will always be a tender spot in my heart likely until I meet Jesus. It is a place I feel ache, grief, betrayal, anger, sorrow, acceptance, trust, faith, and hope.
My life resonates it is what it is…not what it should be in many places of my story. AND, I am a very fortunate woman who has experienced God’s grace, goodness, provision and love through many people who are very dear to my heart.
My family has a total acceptance and embrace of me as a single woman who has never bore children. I received a text from another dear friend on mother’s day that said, “happy mother’s day to an aunt who has nurtured many many children. You are a blessing to many children as you delight in them.” I have loved deeply and been loved deeply….that is what has shaped me much more than bearing my own children. Mother’s Day is celebrated for the women in our family, I am not left out and I am deeply appreciated as an aunt who loves Janneke, Henry, Anne, Karolyn, Ellie, Olivia, Noah, Sonta, Jean Marc, Andrew, Ryan, Peter, Isaiah and Johanna like they are my own!
And so, I am not sorrowing at the reality of my hysterectomy. I am hopeful that my body may return to some of its normal state. I can see where God has shaped my heart by many events in my life, even events I wish had been different. I don’t flippantly say, it is what it is…..
With each story I have journeyed the road to my heart. The journey is a place where I have struggled and sorrowed, sought comfort and found peace. On the journey, I have cried and cried out, I have found friends in fellow journeyers and experienced God in places I was sure He had left me.
I wonder where you would say your journey is what it is ~ not what it should be…..
I invite you to struggle and sorrow, seek comfort and find peace….it is possible, I know that from first hand experience!