Day: February 24, 2013

I feel the ache of grief tonight…

Not a lot of words to put with it, just a deep feeling that keeps washing over me….

I have had some very touching text conversations today with my sister-in-law and my niece. They are honest and painful. They speak to the great loss of a husband and a father. They speak to the void that was created in their life on a Sunday night not so long ago and how every day they realize it will not be filled by anyone or anything, for Len was unique, creative, crazy and fun (and funny). As we say, in his living he had a big presence and so in his dying he leaves a big absence.

Maybe it was Olivia’s tweet on twitter yesterday: Wishing I could call my dad and tell him about passing my road test#bittersweet

Perhaps it was my sister-in-laws words of  “so many unfinished dreams….”

Perhaps it is my longing to tell him what great kids he has or ask him about the Tiger game we go to each year….

Regardless of what it is, it is hard to journey grief….

I am thankful for my family, friends and community who are so kind to me as each day comes and goes…

I am thankful that we as a family talk about Len and laugh and cry together.

I find truth and hope in the following quote:

Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, or sneezing when your nose itches.

It’s nature’s way of mending a broken heart.

My heart was shattered on that night of December 23, 2012.

I believe my heart will heal and time will change the ache, but that being said, tonight is still hard….

And so as I drift off to sleep, remembering my brother, I am thankful that even in the pit of grief, hope anchors my soul!

Such sweet words at the end of a driving test…

Olivia Grace passed her driving test today and I am so proud….

I was the lucky aunt who accompanied her….

Olivia is a good driver but she was expressing her growing anxiety as we were approaching the testing site….

We stopped at the cones to practice the parking and it was increasing anxiety instead of relaxing my sweet niece….

And so we stopped practicing, said a prayer together, talked about how much her Dad would have loved to be there with her and reported in for the test…

I was asked to wait inside while Olivia did the parking test. I stood by the window, alone in the office, and watched her move my vehicle through the different stations. I did a little dance with the completion of each one.  I found myself delighting in her success and aching for Len to be there for this moment with his 16-year-old daughter.

And then they came to the door and picked me up for the road test. I don’t often sit in the back seat of my own car, but this time I took that place with pride. Olivia was precise, intentional, careful, bold and chatty. It was fun to sit in the back and observe, delight and be amazed at how fast she has grown up.  And so this morning Olivia did not have the freedom to drive alone and at the end of the day,she is a newly licensed driver.

And so tonight, my prayer before I sleep is offered in a bit of a different way…. Dear Lord, I am entrusting Olivia Grace  to your hands, praying you will stay near to her, protect her and keep her safe.  amen and amen

I love you Livi Lou and am so proud of you.