Month: October 2013

It has been just over 10 months since Len died. Life continues and waves of grief still come and go…

We are different people and Len’s life and death have changed us….

I am aware that there are moments in a day or week that cause me to pause and remember….

We received an email yesterday with the attached article and picture. It is meaningful to know Len will be remembered by his co-workers who he journeyed along side every day.

The article on the Fermi website read as follows:

Many of you have been so faithful to journey with me in these last months during my journey of grief. Perhaps one of the greatest reminders I have in this difficult journey, is that there is such power in the community who surrounds you. This is not only true in death and I have experienced the power of community in many spaces of my life. There is such comfort in knowing others are with you, in thought, prayer, presence….

I am overwhelmed in the recent weeks how many spaces I am able to enter into thought, prayer and presence with others who are experiencing loss through the death of a loved one…

Just a few short weeks ago my friends husband died from Leukemia. He was 58. Cheri, Kim and her fiance John, Rachel and Brad are navigating new space in their deep ache. Please pray for them in the coming days and weeks.

This past week I said good-bye to a long time Visiting Angels client. Bill held a very special place in our hearts and we journeyed with him (and his family) as they also said good-bye to his wife and daughter during our years of care for him. Bill was a man who lived in the moment with great delight and humor. Even as his memory faded in the last year, he remembered things to laugh about. His humor and wit were unmatchable and the twinkle in his eyes will never be forgotten. I can easily see God’s grace in Bill’s arrival in Heaven, but he will be missed. Please pray for his children and grandchildren, as well as his angels who will also feel the void in their day-to-day. Tomorrow we will gather to remember his life. It will include laughter, of that I am sure.

This morning I was with dear friends as they sat in the mystery of life and death. In one moment, Paul’s mom was with us, and in the next, our faith invited us to marvel at her presence with Jesus. She struggled with a cruel disease, ALS, and so there is grace in her home going, but there is sorrow in her absence. I am grateful that our Creator has allowed us to feel gratitude and sorrow at the same time. Please pray for my friends as they prepare to say good-bye and support his Dad as he struggles to wonder how to live without his bride of 60 years. I am hoping that the coming days will allow for many good moments of remembering with his siblings and their families.

And today I learned that Brant also joined my many friends in Heaven. This morning at age 54, he took his last breaths. He was declared cancer free on October 10 and anticipating a stem cell transplant. It is hard to comprehend that the journey to life was ended so quickly in death. Jane and Brant were anticipating years ahead with their girls and their families. It is hard to comprehend why life ends when it does. My heart breaks for Jane, Holly and Jon and Hailey and Katie. Katie said it honestly and well today…Words can’t even begin to describe how much I loved and looked up to my dad. Today I watched him take his last breaths… I know he is not suffering anymore. I miss him so much and I know he is with God and will forever be with me. I love you so much dad, thanks for fighting… You are the strongest man I know…

Tonight I think of the words, when sorrows like sea billows roll….

For each of my friends and their families, for my heart and my family,  I pray we can find space to say, it is well with my soul!

Thinking of each of you and those who love you, and holding you all close to my heart!

As long as I have been alive, it has always been first my Mom’s birthday in October and a few days later Len’s birthday. They just always went hand in hand….

And so, along with the celebration of my Mom’s birthday this past week, there was a sense of knowing, that Len’s birthday would be different this year. 

I am not so sure of the notion that he is celebrating his birthday in heaven. I am not sure enough of heaven’s ways to embrace the idea that somehow Len is having a celebration because of the day of his birth…

And so, I am choosing to celebrate Len’s life, although much shorter than what we would have hoped for,  he lived a life of adventure in the days he was with us. Len enjoyed trying new things, had a deep belly laugh, loved spice and flavor filled food and adored his wife and children. On his 49th birthday, I want to remember the goodness of his heart, the passion of his soul, the joy of his laughter and the kindness in his ways of embracing people who crossed his path. 

As we gathered in those days right after his death, we found Len’s words inked on a piece of paper. They read as follows: “The funeral of an “old man” is not a time for sorrow. Instead, rejoice in the varied color of my life and in the tremendous variety and texture of this family.” 

On Thursday, October 10, 2013, in honor of what would have been Len’s 49th birthday, I take those words and say….On this your 49th birthday, I will not sorrow, but instead rejoice in the varied color of your life and in the tremendous variety and texture of your family.” 

My family is very good at calling for birthdays. I will miss calling Len this year. But in my heart, I will whisper the words throughout the day, Leonard Hugh, .deeply loved, sincerely liked, truly unique and never forgotten 

Since my Mom is celebrating her birthday in a different time zone this year, I wanted to be sure this was awaiting her when she wakes up.

Dear Mom,

Happy 71st birthday. It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating your 70th and marveling at all life held. I now think back and realize your 70th year was not all we had hoped or imagined. I hope that celebrating your birthday in Normandy or Rome might make it a highlight, and I am sure the day will hold some memories that of course could never be made here at home.

I reflect often on your story and all it holds as a child born in Friesland, Netherlands who immigrated at 10 who navigated a new world in very real ways. As a high school student you valued Christian Education enough to pay your own way, you then venture to Calvin from Sussex New Jersey.  I am thankful for the meeting my father and the journey of a young couple who forged new paths together in ministry, community and family. I reflect on your story and I admire your courage and strength. I am grateful for your good health and continued desire to live life fully. Your commitment to be kind to yourself and your generous investment in others is just part of the reason I love and admire you

I am grateful for your understanding of your own heart and what you need to live life honestly and well. I am grateful for our friendship and the many adventures we can share together, both in travel and right at home. Adventures that sometimes require honest conversation, shared tears, deep laughter and an understanding of who we both are, in our similarities and our differences.

You are a great Beppe and as they often remind you, you are stylish and hip. Thank you for wanting to know and love your grandchildren as individuals who love lucky charms, diet coke, fruit smoothies and cherry tomatoes. Thank you for loving them through all ages of their lives, when they are young and talkative and when they are teens and not so talkative.

And it wouldn’t be an honest letter to you without naming the deep pain of the last year in Len’s death. I am not sure there is anything more painful than the loss of a child. I hope and pray you will never experience that depth of pain again. Your grief journey has been deep, lonely at times, insightful in understanding the deep impact of loss in your life and in understanding others,  and honest. I will never forget your words to us shortly after Len’s death. “I love you more than you will ever know because I have learned I loved Len more than I ever knew.”

I love you Mom and hope this year will bring you many things in life to celebrate, remember, honor, share, and delight in.

I pray comfort will continue to bring you peace….

I pray love will continue to bring you joy….

I pray rest will continue to renew your energy…

I pray that in every day you will know you are deeply loved and sincerely liked by many!

Happy Birthday Mom,

Love you,

Trish

 

I would guess that many of you read that title and think of it as a mandate in how you treat others.

I invite you to add a few words to the be kind…

This has been a significant journey for me, and it remains a daily decision. I am training myself to consider this in every commitment I make. With each commitment I am learning to consider if it will make my day to busy, because allowing myself time at home each day is about being kind to myself. With each commitment to meet a friend or colleague at a restaurant, I consider how many meals will I be eating out in a row. Although easier, it is not kind to my big picture goals and objectives. How late I stay up, how I unwind, when I exercise and how I approach my to do list all factor in.

As I write this blog, I am struck by how I struggle with not wanting to appear as selfish. A significant portion of my definition of kind to myself is to ensure I am creating space to be giving my time, energy and resources away with a desire to contribute to someone’s hope, encouragement or life changing direction. Being kind to myself allows me to enjoy being kind to others. I remember how often in my 20’s and early 30’s, I was so busy with life that I did not understand kindness to myself or others. It is not that my actions did not appear kind, but often my actions were motivated more by what I longed to receive than what I was willing to give away.

And so, tonight I want to invite you to consider how you are kind to yourself in your daily routines and how that might look different. Have you learned to be a grateful person who simply says “Thank you” when you are complimented or affirmed? Are you someone who accepts the kindness someone brings to you?

“Be kind” use to feel like a simple request or command, but as I have come to understand kindness towards myself and others, I am amazed at the power that kindness holds. A word worth being curious about….

Go and                                                                                                                                                                        both in your own life and the lives of others!

“Someone’s sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.”  Warren Buffett

My friend shared this quote with me and I smiled….

It brought words of conviction and clarity to me today….

It brought perspective to a venture I am dreaming about…

It reminded me how things don’t grow overnight and often over time, growth can bring very good things…

I sometimes like the idea of planting oak trees as opposed to oak tree seeds….

I feel called and passionate about planting something new….

I feel uncertain about how it will develop…

I will be faithful in planting and watering the seeds and trust in time, I will see if it might produce a place or rest for others….

I am excited, uncertain, passionate, anxious, convicted and grateful….

Are you planting any seeds or are you resting int he shade of trees that were planted by another? Remember to commit yourself to actions today that will make a difference tomorrow!

 

I have been noticing how early it gets dark these days.

I have been noticing how my energy level seems affected by the early darkness.

I have been noticing how it is easier to get more sleep as it gets darker earlier.

I have been dreading some of the gray days that come with the seasons ahead.

I love sunlight. It is good for my being. It lifts my moods. It inspires me to live healthy and live well….

I am reminded as I sometimes feel irritable when the sun is setting earlier and earlier, how sundown affects so many people around the world.

There is a very difficult-time from dusk to dawn when those who struggle with Alzheimers or dementia are inflicted with mood changes, agitation, restlessness and increased confusion. It is not a disease that has a pill to manage the symptoms and so often families whose loved ones struggle with sundowners find it a deeply dreaded time of night.

The definition of sundowning is as follows: Sundowning is a psychological phenomenon associated with increased confusion and restlessness in patients with some form of dementia. Most commonly associated with Alzheimer’s disease, but also found in those with mixed dementia, the term “sundowning” was coined due to the timing of the patient’s confusion. For patients with sundowning syndrome, a multitude of behavioral problems begin to occur in the evening or while the sun is setting. Sundowning seems to occur more frequently during the middle stages of Alzheimer’s disease and mixed dementia. Patients are generally able to understand that this behavioral pattern is abnormal. Sundowning seems to subside with the progression of a patient’s dementia. Research shows that 20–45% of Alzheimer’s patients will experience some sort of sundowning confusion.

Sundowners is not a logical reaction to sunset, but a very real impact of how darkness affects some people. As it gets dark earlier there are many people who struggle longer. When I feel the lack of sunshine or the early sunset shortening my days, may I remember to say a prayer for many people who are deeply affected by the setting sun.

I find this psychological phenomenon to be quite common in my world of caring for aging adults, but unfamiliar to many who are caring for them. Knowing about it does not change it, but it can bring perspective to the struggle and a name to a very confusing time of day.

My prayers go out to all those who care for someone with Alzheimers and/or dementia. It is my hope you are able to delight in the moment that is before you when it is good and trust that your compassion and love during difficult moments is a beautiful way to care for someone.

 

Do you have one of those favorite songs that you really like to sing out?

Do you have that one song that feels inspiring, hopeful, comforting and once you sing it you just can’t get it out of your head?

On April 24, 2012 I read this message in my friends care page update. Their 12-year-old son had just died a few days prior.

….I’m holding onto the beliefs that were easy to sing about when all was good, knowing that’s what will get us thru. That being said, I heard an amazing song in the car the other day that we hope to sing at G’s memorial service. It’s 10000 reasons by Matt Redman. So load it up on your iPod, grab your spatula microphone or sing your heart out in the shower. “

I will never forget hearing the words and weeping as I envisioned my friend who had lost her first-born to cancer just days before singing her heart out. I welcomed her invitation to learn the song so I could sing along with them at Gerrit’s service.

Following Gerrit’s memorial service, I would listen to it often. I learned the words and learned to feel the depth of the meaning. I would play it again and again. And then in my own grief journey, I would play it and sing with a little less strength but even more conviction. Wondering if I could really embrace these words….

I have learned that singing the song and living the meaning don’t always go hand in hand. I want to live out the words of the worship songs I bellow from the depths of my soul. I want 10,000 reasons to be more than a song I love. I want 10,000 reasons to be the way I move in and out of every day. I want In Christ Alone to not only bring me to tears when I sing it, but I want to believe deep in my being that from life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.

I hope you have songs that you love to sing.

I hope you have songs that offer you inspiration, hope and comfort. But even more,

I hope that you will consider each day, how you can take that song and live it out, so that your life will ring true to the music of your soul.