Month: September 2013

Do you ever have them?

Days when most things feel hard?

Days when it isn’t just about an attitude adjustment, but when everything feels big?

I woke up feeling conflicted about how to support my dear friend at the funeral for her 58-year-old brother-in-law. I wanted to be there fully for her and I knew it would bring sadness to my own heart as well in my own grief. I came to the conclusion through some journaling that I am glad I understand and I hate that I understand. It is just that simple and that complex.

I received a call from my Credit Card company about suspicious activity. My purse had been stolen in the night and two cards maxed out. I felt dumb for leaving my purse in the car, I knew even if it was dumb, it wasn’t my fault that someone stole it. I was grateful that credit card companies do not hold me liable and I was annoyed with the process of canceling and waiting two weeks for reissuing. It is a tiring process and yet I am grateful my day allowed me to take the time I needed to do it.

I went to Secretary of State to replace my license and was told to come back with lots of documents that prove my identity. Annoyed I have to prove my identity and grateful there is process’ that ensure identity theft does not occur. I had to call and cancel my passport (since I had just returned from Canada yesterday evening) and was annoyed that to get a new one would cost me 110 dollars. Late in the day, my neighbor came and had my purse. She found it in her yard. My wallet was gone, but my passport was there. I called to cancel my cancellation and found that is not possible. And some how it feels even more disturbing to pay 110 for a passport I already have. But on the flip side, I can be so grateful they did not take it and use it for identity theft.

It felt very odd today to have no wallet, no access to funds, no immediate cash available and I felt a sense of angst. And then I remember lots of people live in this reality every day and I take for granted all I have available to me.

It was a long day full of conflicting emotion. I remain grateful but tired. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning and tomorrow will bring a freshness that I crave.

And at the end of the day we had family dinner. It has become one of my favorite things. It is fun, relaxed, good company and always good conversation. Tonight we celebrated my Mom’s birthday a little early. I was reminded during family dinner that I have much to be grateful for. I was reminded that at the end of a long day, rest can come in the relationships I am surrounded with. I am going to bed glad that today is over, but grateful for the reminder that it is not in what I own or have access to that makes my heart content, but who surrounds me. I am at peace!

 

 

 

 

Do you have any moments in your memory that you are sure you will never forget?

I have one etched in my memory and heart and have been thinking a lot about it lately.

It was December 23, 2012. I had just finished opening gifts at the Bos household and there was lightness in the air.

Suzi was showing me a print she had gotten for my brother Len for Christmas. It was a purposeful selection and we were talking about how meaningful it would be for him in the coming year…

As we each held a corner, my phone rang, and I will always remember the voice on the other end, my sister-in-law, in a barely audible voice, he left us, he is gone, forever gone.

Although one might think it is the call i am referring to here, it isn’t. For me, the unforgettable moment was how put your hope in God went from a gift for Len to an invitation in my own heart and soul. Little did we know that the message creatively displayed was not one for Len at all, but for each of us in the days, weeks, months and years to follow that night on December 23, 2012.

We used this print as the front of Len’s memorial program…

Suzi gifted us each with one and it hangs in my room where i see it every day…

It is a reminder to me to entrust my life and put my hope in God. It sounds simple in some way. I find it to be a powerful invitation that I struggle to implement at times.

Since Len died we have met many who grieve great losses of their own. We knew of this before but we feel it differently with others now.

My cousin and his wife buried their second born son after a tragic accident….

My very dear friend has the funeral for her brother-in-law tomorrow morning…

My aunt is struggling to heal following surgery and find clarity in her thoughts in a rehab hospital…

Grief comes in so many different ways…

Put your hope in God….

I am thankful for this message, even in the most difficult moments.

I am thankful for the invitation to not walk the grief journey alone.

I trust that God knew just what I would need in that moment. A tangible reminder that he is with me when my heart feels heavy, lonely, aching or sad…

I hope you too will embrace the invitation to Put your Hope in God.

Thank you Suzi for choosing a gift that has been our lighthouse in the storm.

 

 

I came to visit my Aunt today in Canada. She broke her hip last Sunday and had surgery on Tuesday. Aunt Dot and I thought it might encourage her to see some faces from the states. We walked into her room and she was just waking up from a little nap. She seemed tired and yet worked hard to have conversation with us. When we were orienting her to the day and explaining why Physical Therapy had not yet arrived, she paused and said, “oh my, that means I have been struggling for not even a week yet….”

I was caught off guard. It told the story of her week. I realized how overwhelming it must feel to be in her spot. At 79, with Parkinson’s and recently home from the hospital after a mini stroke (TIA) and weeks of rehab. I could feel the sense of weariness in her words. Her voice is quiet and she dozes often, but her words said it all.

I began to remember places where I have struggled and carried weariness.

I began to recall what it was like to have others enter into that space with me.

I began to reflect on how I enter into and stay with others who are struggling and weary.

I am surprised by what I have awakened in my heart by being with Aunt Follie today. I want to be aware of where I am struggling and where those around me are struggling. I want to be in tune with the weariness that comes with struggle in my own life and in the lives of those around me. I want to be a friend who is willing to sit in the struggle and weariness, a friend who is willing to invite rest, quiet and healing.

I will pray faithfully for healing in Aunt Follie’s body and soul. That rest will bring healing to her hip and renewal to her spirit. I will pray for myself and others in similar ways.

There really is so much to learn in the struggle….

 

If you are in my life, or on my Facebook, you likely know about my dog Dutchess.

I never really loved dogs, nor did I really ever plan to have my own dog, but one weekend the idea came over me and I went out and found this very cute puppy.

They were asking more than I was willing to pay, so I offered considerably less and they accepted. I drove away a bit in shock that I now owned a puppy and she could be picked up in two weeks.

So, two weeks later I picked her up on a Sunday afternoon and realized she was too small to stay home alone all day. Being a business owner, I thought I would bring her to work for a while. I packed her up in a laundry basket and off we went. That was 4.5 years ago. She has been to the office almost every day since.

I have never stayed home because of Dutch and so whenever someone dog sits, I remind them she is “just a dog” and if anything happens I will not hold them responsible.

I have told all the neighborhood kids if Dutch ever tries to run on a walk, drop her leash and do not let her strength hurt them, because she is “just a dog” and people are always more important than dogs.

I have grown to love Dutch and we make quite a pair. But each time I enter the Vet’s office, I remind myself she is “just a dog” and if there is something wrong, I need to consider how much I would spend.

And so over time, Dutch has grown in height and stature and loves to learn new things. This week Dutch started agility training. We were in a room with four other dogs and their owners. Dutch is much more used to people than dogs, and can be a bit barky if others dogs invade her space. Well, this one dog, (who suffers with anxiety their owner said,) invaded and Dutch quickly communicated to this dog to back off. The instructor suggested I take Dutch over to the corner for her to settle down.

I could feel everything rise up within me.

Me, take my dog to the corner…..

And I realized in that moment that my dog who is “just a dog” had effectively woven herself deep into my heart. I restrained from blaming the anxiety ridden dog. Dutch and I walked to the corner and I whispered to Dutch, “it’s ok girl, it wasn’t your fault.” 🙂

My dog is a “just a dog” and people will always be more important but as long as I can have both in my life, I will be grateful for the many ways Dutch enhances my days and brings fun, unconditional love and adventure to my world.

Tonight I felt like I was invited to dinner with the Queen…

I received a call midday and Johanna said, “will you come to dinner, and guess who will be there?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ME!”

It wasn’t arrogant and it wasn’t bratty. It was a genuine confidence that I would be delighted to dine in her presence.

I bet you can guess that I went to dinner and conversation was light and full of joy. She enjoys being grown up enough to sleep at my parents by herself and she enjoys a gathering of people to converse with. She is learning to ask questions and eager to tell us about Preschool at Living Stones Academy or how her and Beppe filled bird feeders and gardened.

And yet as I reflect on the delight of her announcing her presence, I began to wonder

…at what age we lose the delight in our own presence?

…at what age do we begin to worry about what we have to offer?

…at what age do we begin to wonder if we will have anything to converse about?

…at what age do we become to distracted by work, relationships, cell phones, Ipads and computers and stop offering the delight of our own being to others?

Tonight I felt as if I was invited to dinner with the queen. The queen happened to be four years old, but nonetheless, it was delightful to be in her presence. I want to believe that my presence will bring good things to others. I want to invite others to dinner with the same joy that announces…

Guess who will be there….ME!

I hope you find spaces in your day-to-day to be confident in what you bring and surrounded by others who delight in what you offer!

At the end of August we celebrated my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary!

It was a time of good celebration, gratitude and remembering….

Although I am single, I understand relationships and my admiration for my parent’s has grown much in the last 10 to 15 years…

As a child and young adult, I did not understand the work it takes to be married….

In my late 20’s and 30’s (and first 3 years into 40), I have a much greater understanding that marriage may be one of the greatest commitments with the deepest struggles.

I have watched my Mom and Dad live through everyday highs and lows, times of joy and times of deep sorrow…..

I have witnessed their journey and I am thankful for their commitment that has already lasted 50 years….

And so, we have gathered some of those moments in the attached video. Fifty years in 10 minutes hardly tells the whole story, but it will give you a glimpse of why I thank God every day for my parents and their commitment to one another.

I love you Dad and Mom,

 

I have been thinking a lot about why I haven’t been writing. I like to write and I find it is good for my being to reflect and write. But I must say that in these last weeks, I just haven’t had it in me. It is not that there hasn’t been a lot to write about. The summer has been full and between wedding and anniversary celebrations, we enjoyed so much good family time. Visiting Angels marked ten years of business and I have many stories about God’s goodness in my life through those days. Today marks nine months since my brother died, and so sorrow ebbs and flows and there are reflections I would like to share about that. It is not that there has been a shortage of life to share….

I continue to appreciate those who let me know that you miss my daily musings. I believe almost every day I have thought about writing, and yet, I didn’t.

And so, I have come to the conclusion that it was a season….
A season of holding things close to my heart…
A season of sorting..,
A season of resting…
A season of growing…

And now I feel ready for a new season…
A season of gratitude…
A season of reflecting…
A season of sharing…
A season of releasing much of what my heart has held…
A season of growing…

I wonder what season you are experiencing in your life?
Are you sorting, resting, growing, reflecting, sharing or releasing?
Are you new to the season or are you ready to transition?

I find great hope in the season picture I have included in this blog. It reminds me clearly that seasons come and go and the transition is part of a beautiful picture of life.