Journey to my heart….

I am aware that I did not blog yesterday…

I have so many feelings in my heart and yet the words are hard to find…

I lay in a hotel room and am surrounded by picture boards and my heart breaks….

I reflect on my day and think of the number of Naval Commanders I spoke to about funeral planning and my heart breaks…

I reflect on the hugs and the silence, the tears and the laughter and my heart breaks….

I reflect on the many comments posted in the obit guest book and my heart breaks…

I reflect on the pictures and memories with Len and I realize there will be no more and my heart breaks…

I reflect on the faces of  Marcia, Olivia, Noah, Sonta and Jean Marc and my heart breaks….

And yet…

We  speak of Len and share memories and we laugh and I smile….

We speak of Len and all he brought to each of us and I smile…

We speak of Len’s influence, his faith, his passion, his play and we smile….

We experience the love of a community who loved Len and we are blessed…

It is hard to find words and the deep ache of grief is always present…

I know we are not the only ones who have ever walked this journey….

I trust in time, the ache may change…

It is hard when I wish time would stand still because I dread the burial of my fun-loving, adventure filled, wonderful brother and when I want time to quickly move us beyond this indescribable deep ache…

I am a believer in deadlines and I know they bring order, but I had an experience today that seems beyond my comprehension….

We spent a lot of family time yesterday writing my brother’s obituary.

It is a hard task….

It is an emotional task….

It is a tension to be factual and to give a flavor of the amazing man my brother was….

We were satisfied with  our final outcome…http://davidcbrownfh.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1885443&fh_id=10873

And today we went to the funeral home and was informed the obituary would not run in the local paper until next week…

We had missed the deadline of last Friday…

Last Friday Len was still living….

How would we make the deadline of last Friday….

I had a tidal wave of emotion begin to well inside me….

By Monday my brother will be buried and the invitation for people to join us in honoring his life will be over….Monday?

I was in tears as I looked at the people behind the counter telling me something I could not comprehend…

I looked at my Mom and we left, in tears, committed to ensuring that Len’s obituary would be circulated so Len would be honored and remembered

I am not sure how deadlines and printed material work, and I am not sure I would have much tolerance for them on this day in my life, but I have to say, if this is the norm, something has to change!

And yet, at the end of today, I know that my brother’s life will be honored and remembered in the coming days regardless of a printed obituary and for that I am deeply thankful!

I love you Len….forever and always!

 

Perhaps my sister says it best on this day….

I find it difficult (actually impossible) to find a joyful heart to welcome our Savior while saying goodbye to my brother, but I know that our hope lies in his birth. So, even with a heavy heart, we sing:

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking
How we need to hear from God!
You’ve been promised, we’ve been waiting.

Welcome Holy Child.

Bring your peace into our violence,
bid our hungry souls be filled.
Word now breaking Heaven’s silence.

Welcome to our world.

 

I have very few words tonight…

My oldest brother died yesterday….

Killed in a car crash….

My heart feels shattered….

Marcia has lost her husband, a man she fought for, adored, laughed with and loved….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Olivia (16), Noah (14), Sonta (13) and Jean Marc (9) have lost their adored Daddy…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My parents have lost their son, Aunt Dot has lost her nephew, we have lost a brother, the kids have lost an uncle who loved to tease them and make them laugh…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leonard Hugh Borgdorff:  October 10, 1964 ~ December 23, 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deeply loved and never forgotten

 

This morning my sisters, my niece and nephew and my dad met in my kitchen to bake Banket…

Banket (bahn-KET), banketstaaf or letterbanket is a sweet pastry that originated in the Netherlands and is popular in the Christmas season.

Banket is made by rolling pastry dough around an almond paste filling and then baking it. The log is then cut into short lengths for serving, hot or cold. It can also be frozen and enjoyed after the holiday season, especially on Saint Nicholas’ eve, 5 December.

The term letterbanket or banket letter refers to the tradition of bending the uncooked logs into the shape of letters. The baked letters would then be used to spell out messages such as Merry Christmas on a holiday feast banquet table.

We remember my Dad making this when we were kids and this year we thought it would be great for him to teach us…

Below are a few pictures to show the fun, the work and the wonderful finished product…

We had so much fun and such good product that next year we may be taking orders…

I have learned over this last year about the tension of holding two conflicting emotions in the same space in my heart and learning to give space to both….

I find this to be one of the most difficult spaces to create…

Often I believe we want to make room for what is most socially acceptable and squelch the emotion or feeling that feels like an unwelcome guest…

It seems I continue to encounter people who are facing conflicting emotions this holiday season….

I wonder how you embrace conflicting emotions in your own heart….

I wonder how you embrace conflicting emotions in the lives of those you love….

I wonder how you embrace conflicting emotions when a friend or acquaintance shares this tension…

I have found that acknowledging that you hear both is a very kind response:

I hear that during this season of Joy your heart also holds a lot of grief 

I want to let you know that I understand the tension of both enjoying and dreading the holidays…

I admire your ability to acknowledge that you still grieve your loss after all the years and delight in watching your family celebrate….

As I have gotten older, I have a greater understanding and sensitivity to the tensions many (myself included) will feel in the coming week. When I began to share that recently with a friend, that I am aware of my own anxiety during the holidays, she said, but I thought you enjoyed Christmas and your family.

Yes, I do enjoy Christmas and my family and yes I will have more anxiety than normal in the coming weeks. A change in routine, the tension of maintaining a good food routine and the reality of having caregivers on the road during winter and snow (maybe) and holidays all contribute. But yes, I hold conflicting emotions often and I would guess some of you may understand this in some way…

I hope you will take time to be aware and kind to all your heart holds in the next 10 days….

 

There has been so much sadness with the Connecticut shootings….

I have had a keen awareness of the presence of violence which surrounds us every day…

I grow weary of media and social media’s attempts to lure people to a soap box…

I wonder how love and peace prevail when we seem to grow in anger, fear and anxiety….

I have found myself spending a good amount of my energy thinking through gun control, mental health and insurance for treatment…

My conclusion appears the same, no matter which option I consider, it doesn’t assure a different outcome to the problems we see growing around us.

Tonight I really appreciate this quote:

“Much has been said about mental health treatment and gun laws but there is another much more important area that has been neglected, the heart of man.” – Nathan Oppman

I want to ensure I focus on the condition of my heart….

How am I dealing honestly with areas of sin in my life….

How am I nurturing kindness towards myself and others…

How am I living a life that communicates my values and beliefs without words…

How am I allowing my full range of God created emotions to be expressed, embraced and shared in mature and honoring ways….

I can not care for the hearts of all people, of that I am sure, but I can choose to ensure my heart is well-cared for and invite others to do the same!

Begin today…..

 

 

 

This picture shows you the highlight of my day….

It wasn’t about the depth of conversation….(actually very few words were exchanged)

It wasn’t about the length of relationship….(actually they had just met)

It wasn’t about skills or knowledge….(neither seemed to care what the other knew)

It was just a very sweet moment of connection….

One is not quite 1 ( 3 months shy) and one is not quite 90 (3 years shy).

It was a moment that was birthed because they took time to show an interest in each other…

May I take this lesson with me into each day….

May I take the time to be interested and connect…

May I take delight in the very sweet moments that result…♥

 

 

 

I remember when I used to wonder if other people struggled….

I have embraced the reality that we all struggle…

I believe some people are more honest and open about their struggles while others simply keep their struggles more silent…

But vocal or silent, visible or hidden, shared or private, we all encounter struggles every day!

Consider embracing this as your philosophy to overcome….

Tonight we ended our evening service in the dark with candles lit…

The singing was beautiful and there is something so powerful to the candlelight moments…

It was fun to sit next to Isaiah and Johanna who were fascinated by the candles….

Isaiah wanted to know if I would let him hold it and he did ever so carefully….

The candlelight reflected the sparkle in their eyes and they both were awed…

I was struck by their innocence and their intrigue…

And as I looked behind me (since we were in the front row), I was struck by the candles in the darkness and I was reminded again of the pain in our world (in the darkness) and the beautiful light that brings us hope….

As we sang, there was something in me that wanted to freeze that moment…

Truly He taught us to love one another;His law is love and His gospel is peace.Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;And in His name all oppression shall cease.Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we. Let all within us praise His holy name. Christ is the Lord!  Their name forever praise we  Noel, Noel   O night, O night divine

And I am reminded, as much as Isaiah and Johanna are captivated with the actual candle and flame, may I allow my heart to be captivated by the truth that Jesus is the light and may I have the courage to shine brightly in a dark world….