Month: October 2019

This week I experienced

#50daystill50

#49daystill50

#48daystill50

#47daystill50

#46daystill50

#45daystill50

#44daystill50

I am one week into my 50 days till 50, and the anticipation and joy that fills my heart is abundant. I am enjoying and feeling deeply grateful for the many ways I am being remembered on my journey to 50. I plan to write a blog post each week, highlighting the people who brought me such joy in the past week.

My sister Arlene and Suzi created this beautiful 50 days till 50, and each of them took a turn this week.

I am grateful for the friendships I share with each of them individually and what we share together. I love that as a family, we navigate a lot of spaces, and we are always experimenting/learning how to live the best life we can together. Our sister relationships ebb and flow through different seasons, but I know without a doubt, we will always have a friendship that looks out for one another and wants the best for each other.  I am grateful we put words to difficult spaces, and without a doubt, we experience much laughter and love together.

Thank you, Arlene and Suzi, each for how you celebrated me this past week, but also for all you have done to create a memorable journey to 50. I am deeply grateful to share life with you both in our growing up years and still today. I love you both so!

What fun to see Emily Otten’s name come across my messages. Emily was just a young one when we met when we moved to Holland. I remember going to Church together, babysitting for you and Mike and Melissa, and jumping on the trampoline. It was such fun when you went to College and showed up in my world at Sunshine Community Church and now over the years to stay in touch via Facebook. Your eye for photography is fantastic, and your smile and sparkle in your eye remain vibrant and ever-present. Thank you, Emily, for taking a day to celebrate my journey to 50!

Olivia Grace is one of my dear nieces. She is a senior at Aquinas College on a soccer scholarship, and she is there because of sheer commitment to her dreams. Olivia is an inspiration to me in her daily discipline. She is as committed to the work of her heart and soul as she is to her physical well being. She is passionate, convicted, tender, an advocate, and so much more. She has blessed me in so many ways by sharing her heart and her life with me. Thank you, Livi, for your goodness shared on my journey to 50.

I know many people wish they could work in a setting with amazing people and where their passion is provoked and at the end of the day, go home satisfied that they lived true to the calling of their heart. As I look forward to my 50’s, I do not take for granted that the community in which I work every day is precisely that in my world.

Two of the people who celebrated me this week are Beth and Beth. Beth S has been a caregiver with Visiting Angels since August of 2012. Beth has navigated so much of Visiting Angels with us, and she always manages to find joy in her giving to others. She is kind, generous, and her laughter is abundant, even in trying times. Bless you, Beth, for joining me on my journey to 50. I am so grateful for the goodness you bring to so many, including me!

Beth L has been with Visiting Angels since October of 2015. Beth gives her all to her clients and is generous in her love of others. I admire her commitment to her own wellbeing and self-care, and I hope to be as structured and disciplined in that as she is someday. Thank you, Beth, for your kindness to me on #46daystill50.

There are friends who I once worked with and still hold such a special place in my heart. Karen came into Visiting Angels when it still felt new and unfolding, and we were navigating hiring and managing of caregivers in a business that was growing faster than we could think some days. Karen always brings a breath of fresh air, a true and grateful spirit, and a deep understanding that some days, you have to choose your perspective on life cause life isn’t always easy. Karen brings joy and goodness into all of her spaces. Karen is a woman of adventure, laughter, kindness, honesty, courage, and a sincere faith. When I saw Karen’s post, I felt such heartfelt gratitude for the seasons we have shared. Thank you, Karen, for leaving a lasting imprint on Visiting Angels and all of us who shared the day to day life with you there.

And the last tribute for this week is to my brother and sister in law, Nick and Jonna. Jonna loves to give gifts with meaning and purpose that fit the life of the person she is blessing. It was no surprise that the gift I received from them is something I can use every day, and it fits into my daily routine. Jonna is observant to likes and habits, and hobbies and routines.  She has such fun giving. Her laughter is contagious, her energy electric, and her goodness comes from deep within her generous heart. Thank you, Nick and Jonna, for surprising me on #44daystill50.

And so I am one week closer to turning 50 and each day was a bit more special because of this array of people from my village.

Blessed be His Name!

Last night at my Mom’s birthday celebration, Arlene read me this poem…

The first line that got cut off is

So, Trish, it’s not your birthday yet, in case you didn’t know. Turning 50’s a big deal…

Wow, I had not expected this, nor was I aware that today started the countdown of 50 days till 50. As I laid in bed last night, I sent Arlene and Suzi this text:

Thank you both so much for creating the 50-day celebration. I find myself a bit giddy with curiosity and enjoying the idea of waiting to see how celebration will unfold. Thank you, and I love you both. God clearly gave me the best sisters ever! ❤️

I am not sure who or what or how or when, and that is somewhat unusual in my world. But as 50 approaches, I am delighting in the fact that the unknown brings a good sense of curiosity and not a sense of trying to figure it out.

As 50 approaches, I am delighting in the fact that I can embrace the celebration of my life as a gift of the outstanding people who make up my community.

As 50 approaches, I am delighting in the reality that life feels settled, my heart feels full, and that I have learned to navigate the many emotions that flow through my being. I am willing to be ok with what doesn’t feel ok. I have recognized that friendships have seasons, and friendships change like seasons change sometimes. That doesn’t have to a negative thing, even if it is hard, and all that was shared can still be called good.

As 50 approaches, I feel more fully myself. I have goals for my wellbeing, I have desires for my relationships, I have adventures to be lived, and I am committed to taking life as it unfolds before me.

I am committed to living intentionally aware and present in my actions, words, busy spaces, and alone spaces. I long to leave a bit of my heart everywhere I go. I want to offer hope, laughter, encouragement, or understanding in the conversations I share. And at the end of each day, I know I can honestly reflect on all that unfolded and look forward to tomorrow because one of the many truths I hold is that His mercies are new every morning.

Today at Noon, my sister came and picked me up, and we had a lovely lunch at Horrocks and spent time decorating my new porch for fall.  It was such a sweet time, and I loved every moment of it.

I am 50 days away from turning 50, and I am looking forward to every one of them.

I live in a village of deep love and great fun, and I am grateful.

Blessed be His name,

I know the answer to my question. I am doing a good bit of reflecting this week as I made this picture my Facebook profile picture. Thursday would have been my oldest brother’s 55th birthday. He was 48 when he died in a car accident. There are moments of those first hours, days, and weeks that are etched forever in my memory and heart. But I will say the intensity of the pain of loss does seem to change with time.

And yet there are times the ache of loss feels deep. There is a catch in my breathing, a pit in my gut, and a tightness in my chest that can stop me in my steps.

I still miss Len. I miss celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and hearing he and Marcia talk about all the adventures they shared. I miss him at Olivia’s soccer games and in Noah and Lauren’s wedding conversations, in Sonta’s love for doing hair and pursuing cosmetology and in Jean Marc’s High School basketball season. I miss calling him and hearing him. I miss his laughter, his singing, and his quirky sense of humor and deep grounded and abundant faith. I miss him often, even after all these years. I do think grief changes over time, but I also do believe that I would not be honest if I did not say, grief also is always in a tender space of my heart. It is there every morning and every evening, and I believe it will be there until my last breath.

This week we also celebrated my Mom’s 77th birthday in a treehouse in California. It was delightful in so many ways, and I was aware in almost every moment that my Dad wasn’t with us. I was driving the rental, he wasn’t smoking his pipe on the cool treehouse deck, we poured our own happy hour, and he didn’t get to experience all we did with Andrew who lives in Monterey for a year completing the post naval graduate program. He would have enjoyed so much of what we did, and we miss him deeply. Our tears flow frequently, our memories are sweet, our conversations often reflect our travels, the stories, the experiences, the laughter, and the yearning to hear my Dad’s voice speak about all that was important to him.

And this picture was my Mom’s 75th birthday. The last one my Dad was here to celebrate. I am deeply grateful for images that remind us how much fun this celebration was.

Our celebrations continue, our laughter is genuine, our smiles reflect authentic gratitude, but our hearts ache in the absence of a man whose presence brought us such stability and goodness.

And so our family now feels the reality of loss in Len and my Dad. The feeling will always be that we are missing two deeply loved family members. We live each day; we welcome new family through birth and marriage, and we know that no one can fill the space of Leonard Hugh or Peter B. Grief changes over time, but grief is also always with us. It is my hope and prayer that as a community, we can enter those tender spaces with one another, be curious, ask questions, acknowledge the absence that is felt, and know that every grief journey is unique. There is not a timeline, there is no right way to grieve, and allowing tears to flow is healing.

I am grateful that grief changes over time, and I also am willing to embrace the tender spaces in my heart where the river of sorrow flows. That river, although known to provoke tears and that deep ache at times, also reminds me of just how much I loved and was loved.

Tonight we are going to sleep in a treehouse in Santa Cruz, California. It was a birthday trip for my Mom as today is her 77th birthday.

As we wrapped up a very good day, we introduced her to Season 1 of Parenthood. The words to this song seemed like an ideal way to write my Mom’s birthday blog.

My Mom has been amazing at doing for others. But I also have come to appreciate that she is willing to let others do for her. One thing that was spoken at the graveside of my Dad as we remembered together was that at Papa and Beppe’s house, there was always room for one more. So many have been touched by her doing for others. I am so grateful for how she has learned to give and receive.

My Mom knows the truth and embraces the light surrounding her. Her favorite verse is Micah 6:8. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. I can confidently say that she strives to live this and does so in the most humble of ways. I have known my Mom to be courageous over the years, but perhaps nothing demonstrates more courage than her putting one foot in front of the other and living on after my Dad died. I am so grateful for how she lives with courage and strength. 

home and yet will continue to go where her presence is desired. She shows up and lives present and that is such a gift to us all!

I admire your honesty! You continue to put words to what is real and what is hard, and you continue to offer yourself to others in such good ways. I know you are aware of how age shapes and changes you, how you ache for Dad’s presence, and how you know that life is not meant to last forever, but until that time, may you stay forever young!