Tonight I am doing some refocusing….
Just about 2.5 years ago my brother died. When he died I was in a pretty good space with my wellness journey. My weight was slowly coming off and I felt lighter in many ways. Since the time my brother has died, I have not found my rhythm again. Unfortunately when you don’t have your rhythm, the weight creeps back on.
My grief is different today than it was 2.5 years ago. There are many differences in the loss of my brother and Aunt Anita. And, I am aware of what feels familiar in a grief process.
Right now I am aware that yes, I lost an aunt who I enjoyed and spoke with often. I will miss those calls and her interest in my life. I will miss so much of what we shared. But my hearts holds more grief for my Mom and Aunts who lost a sister and for Uncle Bob who lost his beloved. And I am aware I want to love them well in the days, weeks and months that follow. Grief takes time and can come in unexpected waves. I want to ride the waves with those I love and be available.
And in these last days, when life felt like it paused, I am aware that I want to reenter my days with a sense of refocusing. I am writing this tonight to put words to refocusing.
I want to be active daily. I wear a crazy Fitbit. My Dad said it will help me be a bit fit. My goal is 10,000 steps a day.
And as I write that I am aware that I don’t want to just be behavioral. I want to experience inner wellness that guides my behaviors. I want my choices to guide me, not my to do list. I want to refocus on good habits and routines. I learned a while back to not let the scale lead me. I can not control what the scale shows, but I can make choices every day about water, activity, sleep, food choices and good routines. I am hopeful that will be reflected in many ways, including the scale.
I believe my refocus is mainly in remembering that life is a choice. And every day is a series of choices. Sometimes, when I am too busy and out of focus, I live unaware of my choices. It is almost as if I am in auto pilot. I believe that after Len died, it took me a while to regain my focus. I have gained glimpses of it but the cost of living out of focus was discouraging to me.
Today as we said good by to Aunt Anita I felt convicted by all she put into each day to maintain her strength, her faith and her overall wellness despite cancer, Parkinson, diabetes and Congestive Heart Failure.
I wonder how aware you are of your choices that fuel your routines that drive your decisions that create your reality?
I am looking forward to refocusing and reaping the benefits of that choice.