Refocusing…..

refocusingLast night I did some remembering in my blog….

Tonight I am doing some refocusing….

Just about 2.5 years ago my brother died. When he died I was in a pretty good space with my wellness journey. My weight was slowly coming off and I felt lighter in many ways. Since the time my brother has died, I have not found my rhythm again. Unfortunately when you don’t have your rhythm, the weight creeps back on.

My grief is different today than it was 2.5 years ago. There are many differences in the loss of my brother and Aunt Anita. And, I am aware of what feels familiar in a grief process.

Right now I am aware that yes, I lost an aunt who I enjoyed and spoke with often. I will miss those calls and her interest in my life. I will miss so much of what we shared. But my hearts holds more grief for my Mom and Aunts who lost a sister and for Uncle Bob who lost his beloved. And I am aware I want to love them well in the days, weeks and months that follow. Grief takes time and can come in unexpected waves. I want to ride the waves with those I love and be available.

And in these last days, when life felt like it paused, I am aware that I want to reenter my days with a sense of refocusing. I am writing this tonight to put words to refocusing.

I want to be active daily. I wear a crazy Fitbit. My Dad said it will help me be a bit fit. My goal is 10,000 steps a day.

And as I write that I am aware that I don’t want to just be behavioral. I want to experience inner wellness that guides my behaviors. I want my choices to guide me, not my to do list.  I want to refocus on good habits and routines. I learned a while back to not let the scale lead me. I can not control what the scale shows, but I can make choices every day about water, activity, sleep, food choices and good routines. I am hopeful that will be reflected in many ways, including the scale.

I believe my refocus is mainly in remembering that life is a choice. And every day is a series of choices. Sometimes, when I am too busy and out of focus, I live unaware of my choices. It is almost as if I am in auto pilot. I believe that after Len died, it took me a while to regain my focus. I have gained glimpses of it but the cost of living out of focus was discouraging to me.

Today as we said good by to Aunt Anita I felt convicted by all she put into each day to maintain her strength, her faith and her overall wellness despite cancer, Parkinson, diabetes and Congestive Heart Failure.

I wonder how aware you are of your choices that fuel your routines that drive your decisions that create your reality?

I am looking forward to refocusing and reaping the benefits of that choice.

Dear Aunt Anita….

My Aunt died this past week. She was an aunt I had a special bond with. I am just home from the funeral home. My heart is full with so many stories I would like to share with Aunt Anita. Let me try writing it out

school picsfDear Aunt Anita,

Oh, how I would like to tell you about all the conversations I enjoyed at your visitation. There were people coming throughout the full four hours. There were people of all ages, people who went to church with you, journeyed cancer with you, studied the Bible with you and those you have met through Model A. It made me smile when a few said they didn’t know you very well but knew your through Uncle Bob’s sharing. That husband of yours gave them a pretty awesome picture of your beauty and strength.

As I walked away tonight, I am aware the most common ending words were people sharing how much they loved you.

You would have enjoyed the stories that spoke of your courage and your perseverance, your laughter, your smile, your knowledge of the Bible, your dedication, your hospitality, your amazing skill in handiwork and your genuine heart. I can imagine you beaming and saying “no fooling” and in my spirit I smile back and say….No Fooling!

Uncle Bob made it through, although it wasn’t easy. He would often go stand by you. It was difficult when we left. He planned to stay longer. He knows tomorrow the casket will be closed. His love for you was great! We will stand with him in this valley. You both knew much about valleys.Cole Wedding: Bob and Anita

Your favorite nurse came and your hairdresser. Your hairdresser said you were doing well on Friday, just a few hours before you died. Everyone was shocked at how quickly you left us. I think I have reconciled that God rescued you from a dying process that we somewhat expected your health struggles to take you. You maintained the independence you desired until the end. You lived well and that was remembered and celebrated tonight.

I will miss our shared happy hour and dinner of liver and onions. But I said to Dick Carr tonight, perhaps every hour in heaven is a happy hour.

You were remembered well tonight and your impact on your world was great. We will carry your memory with us and can only hope to face each day with the same positive, faith filled attitude.

I love you,

Trish