Sometimes I think anticipation is the best. It can be the weeks, days or hours that lead up to something I am eager for, longing for or just plain giddy about. It is often said in my family that we would rather look forward to an event than be surprised, simply because there is something so sweet in the anticipation.
And then there is dreaded anticipation. The kind of anticipation that has been looming for me in the last week or so. The kind of anticipation that comes with knowing that December 23 comes every year. A date that changed our lives three short years ago. The day my oldest brother was killed in a car accident.
And yet tomorrow is no different of a day than yesterday or the day before. It is not a day that we relive the events of December 23, 2012. I don’t believe that is necessary or healthy. And yet I can not deny that it is a day that feels different.
It is a day where we remember Len in a special way in our own hearts. It is a day we gather as a family simply because it is good to be together on days like these It is a day where I wonder a bit more than any other day….what if?
And so I share this because it is what’s real in my heart. I know Len is in a better place, that I will see hm again and I do not sorrow every day for the loss of my brother. I will always miss him and I still think of things I should tell him but that is normal in loss. I ache somedays more than others for his wife and 4 kids. As a family we are moving through new spaces of new relationships and evident signs that life continues to move on and we know, even if that stings, it is good and right. We can see Len in each of the kids in new and wonderful ways as they grow up and develop in their bodies, minds and hearts. There are so many spaces we can say to the kids, your Dad would be proud. Those are always sweet moments.
And so in some ways the three years seems like a long time. So much changes. Other days it feels like yesterday. There are those moments that seem frozen in time.
And so the anticipation for tomorrow is likely worse than the day itself. It will be good to be together. It always is. It will be good to pause and remember. It will be good….
I miss you still Len…..
Until that time, I will always hold you close to my heart!